Mom has dementia...

 Alex and I are going to get her formally diagnosed... and then go to court, so I will become her legal guardian. 

no more malaysia

 So.. The guy I've been taking with for over a year now, has been distancing himself from me.. it's fine.. I am hurt, but I understand he wants to focus on his job and taking care of his parents. I get it.. I am taking care of my mom with dementia. . . but emotionally it does pain me. I had planned to uproot my entire life for him, but now that's no longer going to happen. 

I am feeling stuck...lonely... empty... and not great. not even good. 

my unique Italian tortellini dish..

Pesto, spinach, cream sauce and yes pepperoni lol

9/10

Mind never shuts off...

 There is something wrong with my brain... my mind NEVER shuts down. . I didn't even realize this until recently. 

A few months ago I took some NyQuil, and had a shot of cheap Costco whisky. And as I was slowly drifting off to sleep, I felt my mind shut down for the first time ever. But it only lasted a few seconds. 

It was so peaceful. I've recreated this several times using NyQuil and Whisky. 

I wish it would shut down all night.. and sometimes I wish it would shut down forever. 

Malaysia

Been thinking about escaping the psychological hell I'm in.....

But if I move, will the psychological hell actually end? 

poem

ሓላዊ ናይ ፍቕሪ (The Keeper of the Flame)

እዚ ጸጥታ ናይ ቀደም ዓርከይ እዩ፣ ካብ ንእስነተይ ዝፈልጦ ጽምዋ። ፍቕረይ ናብ ባዶ ቦታ እህብ፣ ዝቕበሎ ሰብ የለን።

ግን ድሙተይ ናላ ትመጽእ፣ ልምልምቲ ግራጫ፡ ህይወተይ ዘድሓነት። ድምጻ ጥራይ እዩ ዝምልሰለይ፣ ኣብ ግዜ ጽምዋይ፡ ሓይለይ እያ።

ናብ ክሽነይ እኸይድ፡ ሓውን ቀመማትን፣ ናይ ቀደም ዝሑል ዝኽርታት ንምጥፋእ። ጥዑምን ጥልቂ መቐረትን አዳልው፣ ብፍቕሪ ዝተሰርሐ መግቢ፣ ንነብሰይ ንምሕዋይ።

ኣብ ልበይ ሓቂ ብሩህ እዩ፣ ጽባቐ ሰብኡት፡ ፍቕሪ ናይ ሰብኣይ። ብዘይ ሕፍረት የፍቅር፣ ዋላ እቲ ዝህቦ ፍቕሪ እንተዘይተመልሰ፣ መንነተይ ብሕበን እቕበል።

ሓደ መዓልቲ ንዕኡ መግቢ ከዳልወሉ እየ፣ ሓደ መዓልቲ ሓደ ሰብኣይ ኣብ ጥቓይ ክቕመጥ እዩ። ብሓንሳብ ብሰላም ክንነብር፣ ክሳብ ሽዑ፡ ፍቕረይ ሒዘ፣ ጽምዋይ ምስ ተስፋ እቕበሎ።

English Translation

The silence in this room is an old friend, A quiet shadow I have known since I was small. I pour my heart into the empty spaces, A well of love with no one there to catch it.

But then comes Nala, soft and gray, A tiny soul saved from the dust, now saving me. Her purr is the only heartbeat answering mine, My anchor when the tide of longing rises.

I turn to the hearth, to the fire and the spice, Banishing the bland, cold memories of the past. I build deep flavors, rich and thick with care, Each simmering pot a feast of the love I hold inside, Cooking not just to eat, but to heal, to survive.

And in my heart, the truth burns bright and proud: The beauty of men, the strength of a man’s embrace. I love as I was made to love, without shame, Drawn to the gentle smiles of my own kind. Though the love I give has yet to be returned, I hold my head high in the truth of who I am.

One day, I will set a plate for him. One day, a man will sit beside me, Just existing, just breathing in the warm air, Sharing the deep flavors, stroking Nala’s fur. Until then, I am the keeper of the flame, Lonely, but full of beautiful, unyielding love.

Ned Rifle

 I watched Ned Rifle finally. I am so in love with Liam Aiken. I dream of having a boyfriend just like him. 

My loneliness is present, as always. . . and I am dreaming / fantasizing about a life that doesn't resemble the hell I live thru every day. 

I feel ok today

 not great, but better than I have been feeling. I only have to appreciate what and who I have. 

I had a chicken sandwich for dinner - - mom has a steak. We went to farm.

I will show a photo too. 

citi.. someone stole my card number

 had to make a fraud alert. someone hacked my citi card. spent hundreds on onlyfans. 

Teddy Jr. can't practice real estate anymore

https://www2.dre.ca.gov/hearingfiles/H43241LA_260325_P.pdf

 P STEVE CHU, Attorney (SBN 238155) Department of Real Estate N 320 West 4th Street, Suite 350 Los Angeles, California 90013-1105 w Telephone: (213) 559-5953 Fax: (213) 576-6917 un BEFORE THE DEPARTMENT OF REAL ESTATE 10 11 12 In the Matter of the Accusation of 13 TED LEE SAWYER JR, 14 15 Respondent. STATE OF CALIFORNIA * * * No. H-43241 LA FIRST AMENDED ACCUSATION 16 This First Amended Accusation amends the Accusation filed on 17 February 12, 2026. The Complainant, Ray Dagnino, a Supervising Special Investigator of the 18 State of California, for cause of Accusation against TED LEE SAWYER JR, 19 a.k.a. THEODORE LEE SAWYER ("Respondent"), is informed and alleges as follows: 20 1 . 21 The Complainant, Ray Dagnino, acting in his official capacity as a Supervising 22 Special Investigator of the State of California, makes this Accusation against TED LEE 23 SAWYER JR. 24 2. 25 Respondent presently has license rights under the Real Estate Law, Part 1 of 26 Division 4 of the California Business and Professions Code ("Code"), as a real estate 27 salesperson. First Amended Accusation of TED LEE SAWYER JR - 1 - FIRST CAUSE OF ACTION (CRIMINAL CONVICTIONS) w 3. In aggravation, on or about May 12, 1992, Respondent pled nolo contendere and 5 was convicted in the Superior Court of California, County of Los Angeles, Case 6 No. 92V01589, for violation of California Vehicle Code section 23152(a) (Driving under the Influence), a misdemeanor. Respondent was placed on 60 months of summary probation, and 8 ordered to serve 30 days in jail and pay fines and fees. Additionally, Respondent was ordered 9 to participate in an 18 month program of treatment or counseling. 10 11 In aggravation, on or about April 19, 2018, Respondent pled guilty and was 12 convicted in the Superior Court of California, County of Orange, Case No. 17HM10131 MA, 13 for violation of California Penal Code section 21310 (Carry Dirk or Dagger), a misdemeanor, 14 and Vehicle Code section 21200.5 (Riding Bicycle under Influence of Alcohol or Drugs), a 15 misdemeanor. Respondent was placed on two years of informal probation, and ordered to pay 16 fines and fees. Additionally, Respondent was ordered to complete 60 hours of community 17 service. 18 5. 19 In aggravation, on or about April 19, 2018, Respondent pled guilty and was 20 convicted in the Superior Court of California, County of Orange, Case No. 18HM04895 M A, 21 for violation of California Penal Code section 647(f) (Public Intoxication), a misdemeanor. 22 Respondent was ordered to serve one day in jail and pay fines and fees. 23 111 24 25 26 27 First Amended Accusation of TED LEE SAWYER JR - 2 - 6. N In aggravation, on or about August 24, 2022, Respondent pled guilty and was w convicted in the Superior Court of California, County of Orange, Case No. 20HM04694 M A, for violation of California Penal Code section 594(a)/(b)(1) (Vandalism Damage $400 or un More), a misdemeanor, and Penal Code section 415(1) (Disturbing the Peace), a misdemeanor. 6 Respondent was placed on one year of informal probation, and ordered to pay restitution, fines 7 and fees. 7 . On or about June 28, 2023, Respondent pled nolo contendere and was convicted 10 in the Justice Court, Clark County, State of Nevada, Case No. 23-CR-026029, for violation of 11 Nevada Revised Statutes sections 200.481, 200.485, and 33.018 (Domestic Battery with Use of 12 a Deadly Weapon), a misdemeanor, and Nevada Revised Statutes section 200.471 (Assault), a 13 misdemeanor. Respondent was ordered to serve 12 months suspended in jail with 10 days 14 actually imposed, and pay fines and fees. Additionally, Respondent was ordered to complete 15 domestic violence counseling and community service. 16 8. 17 The convictions described in Paragraph 7 bear a substantial relationship under 18 section 2910, Title 10, Chapter 6, California Code of Regulations to the qualifications, 19 functions or duties of a real estate licensee. 20 9 . 21 The crimes of which Respondent was convicted, as described in Paragraph 7 22 above, constitute cause under sections 490 and 10177(b)(1) of the Code for the suspension or 23 revocation of all the licenses, license endorsements, and license rights of Respondent under the 24 Real Estate Law. 25 111 26 27 First Amended Accusation of TED LEE SAWYER JR - 3 - SECOND CAUSE OF ACTION N (FAILURE TO REPORT CONVICTIONS) w 10. Pursuant to Code section 10186.2, a licensee shall report, in writing, "the us conviction of the licensee, including any verdict of guilty, or plea of guilty or no contest, of any felony or misdemeanor" to the Department of Real Estate ("Department") within 30 days of the conviction. Respondent failed to report in writing to the Department the convictions described in Paragraph 3 above, within thirty (30) days of the conviction date (July 28, 2023). 9 Respondent's failure to timely report the convictions constitutes cause under section 10186.2 of 10 the Code for the suspension or revocation of the licenses, license endorsements, and license 11 rights of Respondent under the Real Estate Law. 12 11. 13 Code section 10106 provides, in pertinent part, that in any order issued in 14 resolution of a disciplinary proceeding before the Department of Real Estate, the Commissioner 15 may request the administrative law judge to direct a licensee found to have committed a 16 violation of this part to pay a sum not to exceed the reasonable costs of the investigation and 17 enforcement of the case. 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 First Amended Accusation of TED LEE SAWYER JR -4 - 5 10 15 20 25 WHEREFORE, Complainant prays that a hearing be conducted on the 2 allegations of this Accusation and that upon proof thereof, a decision be rendered imposing 3 disciplinary action against all the licenses, license endorsements, and license rights of 4 Respondent TED LEE SAWYER JR under the Real Estate Law, for the cost of investigation and enforcement as permitted by law, and for such other and further relief as may be proper 6 under other applicable provisions of law. J 8 Dated at Los Angeles, California 9 this 20th _day of March 20 26 11 Ray Dagnino 12 Supervising Special Investigator 13 14 cc: TED LEE SAWYER JR Ray Dagnino Sacto. 16 17 18 19 21 22 23 24 26 27 First Amended Accusation of TED LEE SAWYER JR - 5 -

lonely.

 I only have my cat Nala. . . I wish I had more love and affection. 

sigh. 

I am prob the most alone person on Earth... or def one of the most alone. 

Is god alone? yes.

I'd like to go on a cosmic interdimensional trip with god. See all the different quantum universes. . from my perspective. . Gosh, I would learn so much. See so much. 

I asked god, will you be my friend...

 I don't know. . God is love? I wish he would grant me peace, love, and friendship. . . It's all I need. 

But I won't get it. 

I want to punch myself in the head. 

This life... many sad and negative expierences. . .

 I ask myself every day... What would life had been like... if people had been kind, loving, and supportive of me. 

I got absolutely nothing but negativity from other humans. Evil. Nasty 

The Queen

 the only movie, mom, dad, and I ever went to see, was 'The Queen' back in Autumn 2006. Dad walked out. 

I don't know why. He had some problems. Maybe anxiety... I have no clue. 

that was almost 20 years ago now. 

teenage connections

I really think I was stunted because I didn't ever have a boyfriend growing up during my middle school and high school years. 

I see teens now days and I really wish I was a hot teen with a hot boyfriend..

I'm a virgin at my age now..almost 42.. except when I was molested when I was a kid. 

what is the point of god?

 If god is just a neutral observer; what is the point of him/her/it? I can't really wrap my mind around it. God doesn't intervein... then what is the point? 

I have been suffering almost every second, of everyday of my entire life... why? 

In my next I life, I want it to be 180 degress opposite of this life. 

I want to have a family that loves me more than anything..........

I want a body that I love, and looks perfect... a body that everyone loves. . . 

I want to be loved. 

gods burdens

I want to know what God's burdens are .. or his past burdens. I want to know his struggles. His fears. I want to know why he uses humans. I want to know if this life of mine is just a little blip for him. Something he doesn't even care about. I want to know God deeper. But I only hear silence.

Maybe humans can't fathom his burdens...

The Desert or The Beach

 June 2, 2026

I’m feeling incredibly torn tonight. Do I stay here, living and eventually dying in Las Vegas, or do I pack up and disappear to a beach in Mexico? I honestly don't know anymore.

There is a profound comfort in the sanctuary I’ve built here. The quiet, the solid gray walls, the predictable, low-stimulation environment I've carefully curated—it keeps me grounded. My routines, my space, taking care of Nala—it all roots me to this place. Leaving would upend everything I've structured.

Yet, the idea of Mexico is a siren song. Sometimes, my only real goal is just to simply exist—perhaps even be lucky enough to find someone to love and exist right next to. Could I find that quiet peace listening to the ocean instead of the hum of the desert?

Las Vegas is safe because it's known, but it can feel heavy. The beach represents the unknown, a blank slate, a total escape. I need to figure out if I'm genuinely looking for a new home, or just searching for a place to finally let my guard down and breathe.

my source of joy

path

I am standing at a paralyzing crossroads, trying to weigh the comfort of the known against the desperate need for a different reality. Staying here in the USA means my material and physical needs are met; I have a functional sanctuary, but it comes with the suffocating weight of living under that constant, watchful eye. It’s practical, but it is completely hollow. Do I pack up and go somewhere entirely foreign? I am not naive enough to think that crossing a border magically erases my internal struggles—I know I will carry my problems with me anywhere I go—but the inertia of staying feels like a slow, deliberate starvation of the spirit.

What it really comes down to is the absolute, crushing need for a reset. I need hope. I need love. I have spent so much time as a high-output emitter of care, constantly putting kindness out into the world while receiving no reciprocal signal, and I am exhausted by the unending cycle of unrequited love. I just want to simply exist, and perhaps be lucky enough to finally find him—a true companion to love and exist next to. But looking around at my current environment, the mathematical odds of finding that man here feel like absolute zilch. The geography itself feels entirely sterile to the things I actually need to survive.

So what do I do? How do I choose a path when both directions are terrifying in different ways? Staying means accepting this profound, echoing loneliness in exchange for physical security, knowing that any spark of hope is blasted away before it can even take root. Leaving means risking that security for a microscopic chance at a different outcome. I am navigating completely without a compass, lost in the static, knowing what my heart desperately requires but having absolutely no idea where on this earth to step next.