Jonathan

 I recently got back in touch with Jonathan... not sure why. . . Maybe, the loneliness is hitting me a bit harder than usual. . . 

I hate Elon Musk...

 I hate Elon Musk, and Everything about him. I hate his personality. I hate his ugly smug face. I hate that he is the richest person on Earth, and I can't afford food and medicine. I hate him and hope that he dies; because he is a cancer to this world. 

 

tired

 physically and psychologically tired of living. 

 

The Doctor

 

with a little help from the ai

Dad's Last Letter to me.

 Love you and miss you so much Dad! 

I love...

 I love a dry saucy ramen... I love a good broth - from chicken soup... But I don't necessarily like them together... My chili ramen, that I learned to cook in jail, is a great recipe. I go to register this Monday. Every 6 months... to remind myself... it's not worth it. 

I am not enjoying the heat. . .  woke up this morning and my throat is a bit raw. Perhaps from Grayson shedding all over the place, or the dust in my bedroom... 

It's Saturday - but it doesn't feel like Saturday. Mom is taking the night off work... so.... who knows.

I am just contemplating life each day. I'm working on my savings. I get paid on Wednesday... Casey gets paid on Monday. He is taking me to Rampart for my B-Day celebration. Monday nights are "NY Deli Night / Jewish foods"... It's really good. 

mom is at the urgent care .. for a little bruise

my first pair of Oakley - bday present to myself

The cutest pup..back home from his walk around the block.

He's happy

I want energy!

 I call my power back to me. I call my energy back to me. I call my magic back to me. I am cleansed and disconnected from anything that may drain me . I am shielded from any energy that does not serve me. I am safe. I am protected. I am whole. And so it is. And it is so.”

A prayer to call your energy back

 

A prayer to call your energy back —

“I now call all my energy back to myself. I unhook from the need for others to see me in any certain way at this time. I am no longer energetically, emotionally or mentally available to assume what others are thinking, needing or feeling and trust them as capable to feel their feelings and own their needs.

I trust that I am sovereign over my experience, and in doing so, accept full responsibility to honor myself, my vision and my body’s needs.

I no longer dance the dance of people-pleasing, placating or niceties. My energy, my body, my emotions, my boundaries, my joy, my healing, my choices— all of it is my responsibility and I accept this responsibility with reverence. 

I trust myself with my fullness.

I trust that others are capable of healing without my rescuing, tending or saving. I trust my own capacity to feel my discomfort when others are having distressful experiences, projections or want me to give more than I can.

I trust my sovereignty to choose who, what and how to use my energy in this time. I trust myself to make bold choices with what I hear as I tune in. I trust myself to recover when I get it “wrong.” I now make the sovereign choose to believe that it is safe to be in my fullness and for others to be in theirs.

I am my own. I am my own. I am my own.

This is my freedom.

Amen and amen.”

Had an amazing dinner at Rampart

look how regal

Letter from Jonathan!

 Hi there :)

So we have a new system on our tablets called "Edovo", and this new system allows us access to so many educational, spiritual, and other resources, some of which provide us with certification and credentials. Its amazing! I am utilizing this new resource, and I am enjoying learning and having access to worship music videos! That is actually something I wanted to share with you that is super impacting and powerful in my life, so I want you to check it out and experience it too. Check out "Elevation Worship" on YouTube. Start with a video called "Jireh" and "The Blessing" ...then go from there. There are so many wonderful videos! Love them so much!!! I am super sleepy now so I am heading to sleep. :) Before I do, I will remind you of a dream I had while in county. You were in it too! We were working in a corrections facility as educators. I had helped to lead a mural painting project, and you were helping to teach English. Amongst other things, we had produced a learning center that focused on helping others to become better listeners and compassionate individuals who understood how to speak through life-enhancing language. There was a library, and a project room, and a theater for performance art and concerts. Sweet dreams my dear friend! Jonathan

he told me - he loves me.

 Whenever I am alone, I am reminded of all the people in the world who think they are sad, or have the audacity to say they are bored, or those who find their lives a chore rather than a gifted responsibility of will and wonder.

Perhaps these ought to try being in another's shoes. Perhaps realize that this moment is something amazing and wonderful if they would simply get out of their own way. What are we doing in this moment? Breathing.... Processing.... Seeking curiously.... Observing in order to filter interpretation towards meeting needs by means of holding awareness and compassion for ourselves and others feelings.... The source of our actions. An attempt to get our needs met. The hope of acceptance and the allowance of being valid and validated by being seen and being heard. I am that I am. Have we ever truly embraced our day, every day, with the notion of simply loving people, including ourselves, as is... no judgments, no preconceived processes or filters, just raw and real acceptance of compassionate, heart nurtured love for our fellow humanity? Where can we begin? Why not now? Thank you, with gratitude and sincerity, for holding me. I love you.

Bhudda Day

 Letter from Jonathan:

Today is Bhudda's birthday. Our Bhuddism group got together and had a wonderful gathering! Our chaplain was there, and Tonya (who hosts our Non Violent Communication class, and used to host our Bhuddism group) was our stand-in volunteer today because our current volunteer who hosts currently couldn't make it. Tonya spoke on Karma, and how there is a lot of people who view Karma as a punishment/reward system. But that is not what Karma is. Karma is what we build when we practice meditation, because meditation is the practice of allowing one's self to command their attention on a given thing for as long as they so choose. Once this is possible for a person to command their attention intentionally, then it is possible to shape one's Karma. To direct our path. To choose what grows in our garden. This is true Karma. After Tonya shared this with us, the chaplain (Askren is his name) took the mic and asked us to close our eyes and imagine a time when we had eaten so much that we were so full that we couldn't even get up. Then he said, "May you always have abundance of bounty and access in plenty." He then asked us to think of a time when we had eaten just enough, could've eaten more but we stopped. (He said something else that I cannot recall now.) Then he asked us to think of a time when we were hungry with that pit in our stomach, not knowing when our next meal might be. Then he said, "May you never go without or experience lack." After this he went table to table and ushered us each to go collect two plates of food. Rice, mixed veggies, tofu stir fry, chili sauce, collard greens, and a big chicken leg. We also received punch to drink, and an ice cream cup. After serving seconds, they realized they had forgotten about the giant trays of strawberries. We also received a second ice cream cup. We ate until we could eat no more, and some were even allowed to go Styrofoams to take back to the units. We had a 15 minute meditation. Everyone helped clean up, and it was a wonderful time. Thank you for your lovely message of encouragement! I think I will do both. I will focus on myself, and maybe not cling, but I will move forward in the growth of my important relationships. :) I did some more painting today, 3 hours worth, on a mural for the unit's barber shop space. It has been very nice to paint and have this creative outlet. It is so crucial to have creative outlets to grow in and process mental capacity through. It is very good for me, and I am so grateful. Tonight I am extra tired, so I am going to sleep soon. It is 10:02pm. Good night my wonderful friend! Thank you for sharing with me the importance of how I have helped you and been a support. This is so very helpful to be reminded of good things occurring through positive affirmations that I have participated in. You are doing the same for me, and I want you to know that our friendship is so very special and important to me. Thank you. All the love, with all my heart, Jonathan

letter from jonathan

 Love is the key to life

I am having a rough moment. I miss Kalah. I miss being able to speak with her on the phone regularly. Now, I am lucky if I get a single message in a week. I just sent her a long message expressing all this, and a little more. I'm trying to be strong, and I feel weak... I sent her another message, a shorter one, right after the longer one, saying that I was sorry for this weakness. That I simply love and miss her is what it all comes down to. I am being real with my experience, and I notice in my feelings a sense of honesty, vulnerability, and an awkwardness of not wanting to be weak or undesirable because I might be coming across as petty, dramatic, or asking too much at a time when she is busy. But when is anyone not busy? I mentioned, ...if we never make time, we will never have time... and, ...if we don't plant it in our garden, it will never grow... I am not asking for much. I asked for more than one message per week. I think that is reasonable. I think that it is fair. Am I being reasonable? I just want a couple messages during my week. That's all. Have you seen the new Wonka movie? I loved it! It made me laugh and smile and want to eat chocolates! Watch it! Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for being my friend, and for caring about me. I am tired and need to go to sleep now so that I can restore and be refreshed in the morning. I am grateful for you Ryan. Thank you for not giving up on me. I am trying with all my might! Good night! <3 Jonathan

Friday night.. relaxing... watching 'Mary and George'

cutest pup

mom scratched her eye

my soulmate

strat

Took this photo today

sweet boy